Performance: Coming Clean - Life as a Naked House Cleaner

Well now, I booked "Coming Clean - Life as a Naked House Cleaner" last month - there wasn't at that time anything on Meetup for today, and nothing better was advertised in the meantime. Saw this on Time Out - and you have to admit, the title is intriguing. I'm sure we're all interested in at least one part of it. So I booked.

Had a lovely, lazy day - ate, then fell asleep in the late afternoon: a deep sleep, waking just in time to get ready and head out. Groggily. Tube it was - bus was never really an option, as it'd have taken over an hour to get there. The show has no permanent home, y'see, depending on people giving it a location - and tonight's was what I presume is a private home, all the way up in Bounds Green. So.. up the road to Warren Street, Victoria Line four stops to Finsbury Park, then another four stops on the Piccadilly Line. The address, which was emailed to participants yesterday, is a short walk from the station.

I hoped I'd arrive at the same time as someone else. I mean, for most shows, if you have to give the name of what you've come to see, there's generally a polite version - for the life of me, I couldn't remember anything offhand except "Naked House Cleaner"! And there is something very weird about rocking up to a semi-detached house in a suburban neighbourhood, ringing the doorbell, and asking for the "naked house cleaner". Even in London.

A car passed me as I neared the house, headed the same way, and parked quite close to it. A couple got out, he got a bag from the boot - this was looking promising (we'd been advised to bring our own beverages, if required). When she started looking nervous, I knew I was saved.. sure enough, they approached the house whose address I'd been given. And I was right behind them. The door was opened by our host's friendly assistant, who checked our names off the list and took my coat, to hang just inside the door.

We were shown into a small reception room, set up with sundry chairs, and I picked one near the front. To which the back of my jumper kept sticking, oddly. Anyhoo, I poured myself the small bottle of wine I'd picked up in M&S - Tesco hadn't had them. I'd also brought a glass from home, but the assistant had plastic containers if you needed them. Nibbles were made available during the performance. And a chocolate cake made an appearance at the end - not that we got any of that..

Well now. Phones had to be turned off completely - probably to avoid picture-taking. The show lasted about ninety minutes, I suppose - we were there for about two hours, but were late starting. Mind you, although I arrived pretty much on the dot, there were a good few people ahead of me, unusually for London! Our host was a charming fellow, American, and apparently well versed in tv presenting - and it showed. Very slick presentation throughout. Sundry cleaning products were dotted around, which he used briefly at various points - as he made clear, he does love to clean. He also does love Oprah. In fact, I was nearly driven demented by his frequent quoting of Oprah.

But leaving that aside, he does have a fascinating tale to tell. See, as he said, his naked cleaning business caters to a particular type of fetish - indeed, the first thing we were invited to do when we came in was to fill out cards (anonimously!) about our sexual fantasies.. And he had a couple of tales about particular London customers, whom he portrayed in quite convincing accents, who.. shall we say, changed his ideas about what naked cleaning involves.

Worth coming for those alone, really. But of course, he knew what we were basically there for - and my, did he tease us! Yes, the clothes gradually came off - to reveal.. a skin-toned bodysuit. And after a bit, he slipped on a dressing gown over it. And then he excused himself for a few seconds at the end.. well, as he says in his trailer, he does love getting naked in front of people! ;-) All I can say is, he has the figure for it..

Recommended, for those who like a bit of titillation. Shows are running throughout next month - check the website for details.

Tomorrow, I'm on a walk of Hampstead Village Highlights, with Walks, Talks and Treasure Hunts. Would be a lunchtime start! Be good exercise though, leading up to my own sponsored walk in September, in aid of Cats Protection.. Helen and I are going as Dick Whittington and his cat. She's the cat.

On Monday, a summery treat! The Man with the Hat is taking both London for Less Than a Tenner and Let's Do London - for less! to the Globe (ah, it's been too long..). For one night only, the Comedy Store Players will regale us with Shakespeare-inspired improv. As usual, London for Less than a Tenner standing in the yard, Let's Do London - for less! in lower gallery seats. Which is where I go - couldn't take standing for that long. Better savour this trip - he only has four more events scheduled, three of which I'm going to, with no word on whether he'll continue longterm. And if he doesn't (Heaven forbid!), that'll leave a huge, hat-shaped hole in my life. Plenty of other stuff to go to, but hardly anything I'll look forward to as much as his events.

On Tuesday, London European Club (LEC) - it'll have been a while! They're off to an informal evening of classical music, in Peckham.

On Wednesday, London Literary Walks is doing the Sloane Ranger.

On Thursday, Helen and I are on an Underground treasure hunt, courtesy of Walk, Talks and Treasure Hunts. TFL goodies to be won, it seems.. Then back to Ireland for the bank holiday weekend - which I'd forgotten was a bank holiday, or I'd have stayed over an extra day!

Instead, for 1 May, I've booked The Ferryman, with London Dramatic Arts (LDAM), at the Royal Court.

On 2 May, London Speaks Sessions, LDN Talks @ Night, and London for a Tenner or Less have advertised a talk called Origin of Vampires: Fact or Fiction? Again, one I'm unlikely to cancel.

On 3 May, London Literary Walks is off around Gloucester Road.

On 4 May, Let's Do London - for less! is off on its last scheduled trip to the opera house - the occasion is Mayerling, my favourite ballet, and is sold out by now, I see. We have tickets in both slips and amphitheatre, as usual.

On 5 May, I'd bought a ticket to Nell Gwynn, at the Globe - then it turned out that LDAM is going on the same night! (Buy Your Own Ticket.) As the organiser said, it must be fate.. it'll certainly be nice to have company. Odd venue for them, though - I know the organiser doesn't like it.

And on 6 May, I'm joining the LEC for a classical concert at the Royal Festival Hall. Oh joy, they're playing Beethoven's 9th..